Month: June 2012

Bible Urge – Part 2 – The Paths That Seperate Us

ImageCane killed Abel!!! That’s what I just read. He killed him out of jealousy and lied to God when asked about his whereabouts. Cain said, “I’m not my brothers keeper.” What happened? Cain offered God his fruit ‘leftovers’ while Abel offered God his best offerings. What a coward. Yet, people do it in this day and age still.

YES. They –some- first take care of themselves, make sure to eat or buy the best, and then after their thirst has been quenched, then they think of others and offer an offering to them, not thinking that anyone will notice. Or, better yet, they go to church and thank God when something wonderful happens to them, instead of praying or visiting God even at the worst and best of times simultaneously. But God knows. He knew Cain was offering him leftovers from the crops he grew, or not the best, and he knew that Abel was offering him his best of his heard. Abel put God first, and thought about himself second. Funny how we do that today.

It reminds me that in this day and age, we are not too far away from that beginning. Cain’s are still killing Abel’s in the here and now. And, if you want to go deep, just as God gave everything to Adam before he ate the apple, we are living in the day and age where we have everything at our fingertips as well. Funny. The Garden of Eden has found its way back to us. Technology is everywhere. We, as a society –it’s not bad either- have made it so that we get instant gratification, just as Adam was able to get instant food, beauty, life in general. Yet… what is our version of the tree of knowledge today? Have we eaten the apple again? No, not yet, at least not to my ‘knowledge’.

Quick note. Nice things are starting to occur in my life ever since I opened the good book that so many others preached about over the years. I don’t know what it is. It’s like there’s magic to the bible, a power that your spirit sees, remembers and acts upon. I don’t know if the spirit tells God, “Yes, he finally opened the book, and guess what? He’s reading it!!”

Back to the story. So, Abel was the very first death in this life and at the same time, the very first MURDER VICTIM. And Cain was the very first murderer, the first to sin out of evil. Strange. These two boys began a trail of good and evil that has circled through to the here and now. Cain’s punishment was to wander the earth, leave his parents, leading a life of an ‘exile’, but was given some mark by God when he cried out for God’s mercy.  So, his punishment was… to live, to live while begging for God’s mercy. Hmm. So…

By freewill, they created two paths that we follow to this day. The path of Cain –a very lonely and bad path– and the path of Abel –a good path- that sometimes seems hard, a path that sometimes ‘bad things happen to good people’ kind of thing. But regardless, a path that pleases God, your God, a path that pleases you, your spirit, soul. It is a path of good. The ‘roads’ of good and evil were created on that day of Abel’s murder. Roads that have made their way to the here and now! Wow!

So, whenever you feel that your life sucks, just retrace your steps and see if you did everything right, everything good and righteous. And after –I guess –if you added up everything and it points to the road of Abel, then don’t worry, you’ll be fine. God will make sure of it. But……… if you added things up and you have somehow detoured to the path of Cain, just back up and start thinking again. What I got from this chapter was this. It doesn’t matter if you are rich or poor, famous or an ogre. The easy roads are always the Cain’s. He was jealous, so he killed. That’s easy. Just like people in this day. People who use, or are gold diggers, or share another’s bed over and over again to get that raise, or crush souls to get to the top, those are the roads of Cain. Example of an actor doing very bad things with someone powerful in the industry to get a part in a movie, verses an actor just working hard for the part by perfecting their craft and not getting the part. Cain’s and Abel’s. A worker lying to his boss about his co-worker just to get that promotion; Cain’s and Abel’s. LOL. They aren’t getting away with anything. Why? Cause idiot Cain thought that God didn’t know of his crimes. LOL. Wow! I mean, I’ve heard of liars and cheats and thieves and sinners lying to keep face, but when you have the audacity to lie to God, then something is seriously wrong with your brain.

Success to them, at that moment, was to please God with their offerings. But how they did it automatically separated them. So, the next time you win the lottery, give to a charity first, and then please yourself.

The end of the chapter showed how Cain had children, not so sure about Abel though; I think not I know, I know what you are thinking. But if you have to create civilization I guess, you have to go to extremes, I guess. Perhaps Adam and Eve lived for hundreds and hundreds of years. It is possible, especially when God personally creates you from the dirt. Don’t judge the past. Just because it may seem impossible in these days doesn’t mean the possible was taken out from time long ago.

Moral? Geez. Choose the path of Abel. Work wise, you can choose the path of either boys. But freewill, always think, “What would Abel do?” What I have learned thus far from this chapter of Genesis; Yep… I’m an Abel. It sucks at times, but that’s who I am. I have had Cain thoughts, not urges, but thoughts of ‘what if’, the type where I know if I do this, it would be a very big shortcut to the path I wanted, but it would be sinful. So I look away. Through all of this, I still have sympathy for Cain. What was he thinking? And poor Abel. My Gosh, the guy was trying to do everything right, good, and his life was taken because of it by another observer who saw him as a ‘kiss a…” But he wasn’t. He was naturally good.

So no matter how bad things are, good things are, thank God during everything. Man… I sound like a preacher. LOL. This I am not. I am an observer, trying to find truth, searching for sanity, putting together puzzle pieces of my righteous life and trying to answer the question, “I’m a good person, so why has so many bad things happened to me,” without feeling sorry for myself. 

I look up to Abel. I mean, I look up to God too, but no one will ever be as perfect as God, cause he invented us. It’s like saying that the invention looks up to the inventor, when the invention should not only look up to the inventor, but other good inventions that the inventor created. Does that make sense? Even in heaven, God will still be more perfect than us.

To end this post, I wanted to give thanks to all the Abel’s out there. You are wiser than most. Thank you for choosing the good path; because you make others happy, their lives are filled with your kindness, somehow. We can feel it in the air. And to those that chose the path of Cain, or close to it –without me preaching- I don’t know how you can get back on the path of Abel. Maybe, just maybe, you can simply ask God for that path. Maybe it’s that simple, maybe not. Only you know that answer. Change your ways, and your fate will change with it. But I’m not a preacher. No, I’m just quenching my ‘bible urge’. Take care, Abel’s….

Bible Urge – Long Overdue

ImageI never read the bible before. Funny. This past year, something ‘wanted’ or ‘needed’ me to read it. It was a force. No, it was an urge. Like fishing I guess. You learn about fishing your whole life, but never take the time to actually go to the pond. Then you go to the pond, and sit and stare at the water, never actually casting out your reel. Why? Maybe you know that the fish aren’t biting. Maybe other people told you they weren’t and you tell yourself, “This is a waste of time, they already told me they weren’t biting today.” So why would a fish bite on your bait? And after years and years of going to the big pond and hearing that the fish weren’t biting –over and over- you finally ignore them and cast out your line.

Well… after years, I’ve finally casted out my reel into the big pond! And around the 3rd chapter of Genesis, I got a bite!!

Many of the things I learned thus far in these few chapters connected to my instincts I already had in me, but just learned to numb over the years because OTHERS told me they were wrong, or they were ‘not politically correct’, a phrase I believe was invented by the devil. LOL.

For instance, I always wondered why it was easy to leave my mother and father when I found my future wife. I love my parents so much, and always feared leaving them or them leaving me. But when you find your mate, as God said, -paraphrasing- he made it so that it would be easy for the man to leave his parents. And when you marry, you attach to your wife, and become one flesh. Wow! As if the rib that was taken is given back to you. You are complete…. And I always felt bad or sad to have lost that urge of being attached to my parents like I was. It’s…God’s will.

Oh, man, I’m sounding like a religious guru. Listen, I’m anything but that. I love God, Jesus, and everyone, but I don’t preach it to others, and this short post is not about that. I guess it’s about ‘connecting’ to something that I used to be ‘connected’ to years ago, maybe even before I was born. Intense, I know.

And I always wondered why I had this instinctively, yet annoying urge to work!! I hate working, but something inside of me, deep, deep, deep inside of me finds it passionate. Even rich men work, but it’s the type of work that separates them. Adam and Eve’s children. Cain and Abel.

ImageCain tilled the land. And Abel tended to the sheep; his flock. My theory or what it connects with: So, you have blue collars; the Cain’s of the world working their hardest for the land. And… you have the White collars: the Abel’s of the world working to tend to the sheep, ‘keeper of sheep’. Both are equally important. Both must work in order to – I guess- enjoy their food after a hard days work. But I have to continue reading to find out more!

ImageAnd knowledge. It does come with a price. Just because your ignorant to a hidden truth behind a truth that your were told to make life easier, doesn’t mean it’s wrong. For instance, the tree of knowledge. It’s funny. God told them not eat from it. Why shouldn’t one eat from a tree called ‘knowledge’? Right? Because, after they ate from it, their souls – I guess – were no longer innocent. God told them things, already gave them wonderful instincts to help them live a wonderful, easy life. Basically he was saying, “Okay listen, I’ll give you everything, just don’t ask me how I did it!” Why? Because he’s God. God doesn’t or didn’t expect them to see through his eyes, to think how he thought, to understand and comprehend how he did. Why? Because he’s God! It wouldn’t be fair to understand his brilliance as it wasn’t intended. Rather, seeing his brilliance and everything that it created was GOOD ENOUGH. It… didn’t cause confusion.

It’s like asking a genius to teach a non-genius how to be a genius. After he teaches, the non-genius will be even more confused! It’s like asking a cloud why, instead of how, it creates rain? “Why” and “how” are the true forms that separate life. “Why” is easy. But explaining “how”, that’s where you have to eat from the tree of knowledge and get ready for massive confusion, theories, and sadly, losing your inherited innocents of how you were meant to perceive life, not being confused by it just because another is due to them eating from the tree of knowledge are now pursuing an endless riddle that they will never, ever solve. Why won’t they solve it? DARNETT, because they weren’t meant to solve it. They weren’t meant to be a genius like God, but rather enjoy what his genius created!!

ImageThat’s not to say learning isn’t good. I’m referring to the yearning of ‘where we came from’, ‘who we are’, ‘why are we like this’, etc. We are who we are, because God is who he is. When scientists discover something new, they explain their complex knowledge of how and then follow it by why. But scientists don’t realize they are God’s cooks. Meaning, the ones who discover the recipes that God used to create things. Just because there is an explanation, doesn’t mean we have to take out the mystery and wonder of it. Yes, they uncovered what God put together to let’s say make ‘oxygen’, or ‘form a planet’, or ‘make a volcano erupt’, etc. They PUT TOGETHER God’s recipe, hence they ate from the tree of knowledge even more. It’s not a bad thing, but we just have to always include God in this newfound knowledge.

Where did we come from? God took the dust from the ground and formed man, and breathed life, a soul into its nostrils. So we came from dirt. Okay, then so be it. But evolutionists accept that dinosaurs came from oil! So, rather then me listening to humans telling me where humans came from, I’ll listen to a God telling me where humans came from! Makes sense. Because so many people are so full of sh….

Oh that reminds me. God created the ‘beasts’ of the land too. He must be referring to the dinosaurs. Why? Because there a fricken dinosaur bones in museums!! I’m choosing to read at face value, not eat from the tree of knowledge anymore because I am STUFFED. So ‘how’ he created them or ‘why’ is not important here. Eat from the tree and get lost in a web of confusion if you want. We have 100 years to live, spend it how you want. I’m just repeating what I’ve learned and got from only 3 bloody chapters so far! LOL. 3 chapters??  Amazing!!

ImageThe moral? Sometimes the answers were already answered. You just have to have faith and keep on reading. Just as long as what you are reading is of good, then nothing bad can come from it. Right? It’s funny; I was born an Abel who is living the life of a Cain. LOL. Everything happens for a reason I guess. If you don’t want to be confused, then just don’t get too close to the reason, cause then you’ll be eating from the tree of knowledge and anything can happen. But remember, you always have a choice. That is our freedom, our freewill to get answers or to recreate the questions and ignore the answers that were already given. LOL. That’s funny. Choices are everywhere. It reminds me of something recently.  Just look at Harry Potter. He had the most powerful wand in the world; the apple of the tree. And he chose to break it. I don’t think I need to explain why he broke it. You answer it….


The Seizure Visit – Uninvited

ImageThe blasted Seizures had to revisit me yesterday. Not bad, due to the Prozac numbing the panic attacks that are due to the auras. It’s like this. The aura’s come, I feel them, I panic, and that panic drowns my thoughts and a seizure is born! LOL. You actually need meds for all the symptoms, for which I didn’t know until my doc upped the Prozac dosage last month. Now, when the auras come, the panic attacks don’t drown my thoughts –oh but they TRY- and suddenly I’m left with something new; dizziness instead of a big seizure. Last night I found myself waking to a tiny, tiny seizure, and I was like, “You son of a b… don’t you even think about showing yourself!!”

If only doctors would listen closely like they used to years ago. My good doctor at Children’s Memorial used to jot down everything I said about my seizures so he could better understand the mysterious appearance and disappearance of them. So here’s what I found.

 For Seizures – Get meds for them.

 For Auras – Get Prozac for them. Not for the auras, but the panic that immediately follows. It’s those blasted auras that causes the most damage to our psyche. Why? No Auras, no seizures or at least a good chance for none.

I found that right before the weather makes a drastic change, I get them! Yes, my head is a weather barometer. LOL. Or, when something wonderful is about to happen. But mostly the weather. Try telling that to your doctor. LOL.

Sometimes –meaning often in my language- when I walk under a light, it flickers!! I told my doctor that. I said, “Listen, I’m not crazy, my family could verify it. What the hell am I, fricken ‘Powder’?” But as always, when they hear the peculiar, they rule it off as “paranoia”.

The moral? Go with the flow. Remember that just because you go through the same cycle of illness for years, doesn’t mean it will be like that forever. I never thought that my ‘auras’ would change for the better like they did. Oh, and if strange things happen around you when it comes to electricity, my seizure friends, it most likely isn’t paranoia. Yes, most likely they are really happening because of your beautiful mind. Just don’t tell it to your doctor. They aren’t scientists. Instead, write it down.

Social Networking Obligation – Heck No!

I haven’t been on facebook in months, and this morning I decided to visit it and realized why I haven’t been on it in months. People, who cares!! What dos that mean? Well, many don’t understand the social networking reasons. They think that as soon as you join Facebook or Twitter that means you have to post everything you do, say, think, even take pictures of. NO! No! No! Listen, we don’t care that you woke up to eat, that you just figured out a catchy saying that has no relation to anyone, that you just came out of Starbucks, took photos of your dog that has been dead for years –harsh I know, but I’m getting it out- that you have this many days till vacation –I actually had someone count down from 30 each day- or that you are STILL depressed and it caused people to actually delete you cause they are tired of being depressed each morning after reading your post! If you want to rant, get a blog!

It’s as if these social network sites have become a path for people who yearn for attention. Oh yes, if someone can’t stop talking about their dead grandma who died of natural causes- unlike mine who I found in a pool of blood- then open a blog. Why? You see every time you rant on social sites EVERYDAY we get emails, texts or actually see your post while waking up happy in the morning. And if you share a negative thing EVERYDAY that just takes my last shred of happiness away, do you really think it’s fair to me to keep you as a friend? At least with a blog, it’s ever so often, and you have time to figure out a solution.

So how should you use these sites? Take photos, write about how you found a new idea about happiness, use quotes that relate to the masses, say your grandma died only once and allow others to send their condolences, add in that you got that job promotion so we can say ‘congratulations’, or a funny story that happened to you. Something besides bragging about your career, your loss, your accomplishments, over and over and over again. That’s the problem! People, so many, don’t know when to stop posting! I would like to see how you are doing, but not every, single, fricken day!! I knew you 20 years ago, I found you, but I don’t want to hear from you 20 times a day. Please!

And what the heck is with these games on facebook? Listen, I don’t care if you scored 20,000 points on Cityville, or that you need a cow on Farmville, or a map on Castleville, sorry, but I don’t, even in the past when I played some of these games. What I do care about is you, your happiness’s, your moments captured on camera, your losses –only once please, for the love of God- and your feelings –twice a week please- or how your dog’s doing.

What I don’t want to read, EVERYDAY, is this.

Example. Let’s call her Sarah. Sarah posts, Monday, “I’m so depressed,” Tuesday, “F… my life,” Wednesday, “I hate my life, “Thursday, “Screw it all,” Friday, “I hate me,” Saturday, “I hate my job, and Sunday, –no day of rest for Sarah- “Damn, everything!”

What? I mean, the first post on Monday I responded, “Cheer up,” on Tuesday, “It’ll be okay,” Wednesday, “Oh my” and Thursday, “Hmm, I think I need a drink.” The rest of the days I was busy trying to get my doctor to raise my Prozac dosage! Thanks, Sarah!! By the way, here’s a good psychiatrist number, talk to him instead of posting, please!

Oh, and then there’s Bill. Oh everyone knows a Bill.

Bill Example. Bill posts, Monday, “I love my job,” Tuesday, “I’m moving up faster than anyone at my job,” Wednesday, “My boss loves me, “Thursday, “Got a huge raise, gonna BMW shop today,” Friday, “My life is just perfect,” Saturday, “Big interview with a studio today, I know I’ll get it”, and Sunday, –no day of rest for Bill either- “Everything about me is just perfect!”

Okay? I mean, the first post on Monday I responded, “I’m glad your blessed,” on Tuesday, “Way to go, I knew you would,” Wednesday, “That’s good, Bill” and Thursday, “Uh, huh.” By Sunday I was busy trying to get my doctor to raise my Prozac dosage even more, due to Bill’s perfect life that he reminds us about every day! Thanks, Bill, you jerk!!!

Listen, on average people have 200 friends on facebook-wild guess. And if we have 200 Sarah’s and Bill’s posting 365 days a year, what the hell do you think people like me are going to do? Stop using the network, or delete you! What, you think that’s harsh? So, what, you’re saying that I am obligated to hear Bill and Sarah’s rants everyday? Hell no!!!

Why? Because Bill’s on too much Prozac, and Sarah needs it. Once is good enough. If you hate or love your life, I will comment and try to cheer you up or remind you of how blessed you are because you are a good person. But… everyday? Hell no! Why? Why should we?

And with Twitter, my God! Celebrities on my Twitter account, listen, I don’t care about your project, everyday! We know when you’re promoting a film, when it’s you who’s writing and not your assistant, or how you took photo with another famous connection you just made at an LA party the night before and are acting like you knew them for years! But I can say, at least with twitter, the posts are usually one sentence. That’s nice.

People, I guess, have to learn to separate the term ‘blogging’ from ‘social posting’.

I’m a type of person who hardly posts at all on social sites. Maybe that’s why I opened up this blog, to teach me again to express my feelings in an environment where the readers are prepared for the subject matter. Not a social site where we are not prepared to be depressed everyday by Sarah.

LOL. Back to facebook. I once –yes once- had this friend who posted about her grandma’s death… everyday!!! From the day she died, for a month straight. Not to top her, but yes, my grandma, for which I loved like a mother died in a pool of blood- another story that I’m just not ready to discuss now- and I didn’t post about it at all. Yet, this girl would write about her grandma’s death everyday. The same type of sentences, just different wordings. OMG. After saying sorry for her loss and trying to cheer her up in everyway I know how, I had to block her. Harsh as it may sound, but everyone losses a loved one, has problems, and there’s only a little room to post yours before people start saying, “My God, she’s depressing me!!” What more did she want me to say? Her grandma was 99 years old! What did she think? That she would live to 199? I mean, after 1 whole month of posting about it everyday, it’s not fair to be their shrink when you have 199 more friends that post like Sarah or Bill.

It’s like a fire, I guess. You’re walking, trying to find the meaning of life, and suddenly you see a small fire in a house. It’s small, so you try to HELP and PUT OUT the flames. The next day, the same fire, the same place. You put it out again. The next day, a bigger fire, same place. You finally say, “Screw this, I’m calling the fire department.”

Moderation is the key. And so many people don’t get that. Try reading your own posts. Go on, I dare you. And if you look at your own posts like, “OMG, I’m depressing myself or making myself sick,” then stop and open a blog, write a book, call a shrink, because it’s just not fair to others. It isn’t. I have problems too. LOL. A lot. But I will never try to depress another without finding some sort of resolution to how I’m handling it. Or, I will open a blog with a blog title so innocent people will be prepared for what they might read. Like the fire analogy, if there’s going to be flames everyday, then warn us or seek professional help. But it’s not fair to depend on us to put out the flames everyday, especially without warning. Delete.

Example: I was finally enjoying my day this one time. Rare, for me back then. But suddenly I received a text message about Sarah’s post and her saying, “I hate my life.” What the hell do you think happened to me next? My happiness was shattered into oblivion because I was NOT PREPARED for the subject matter. This was before I knew how to stop ‘notifications’. Once again, thanks, Sarah!!

 The ‘Goodbyes’

So… today I shall Delete so many people that have clogged my account with their useless, redundant ramblings. Oh Yes… Goodbye, Felix, I will not miss your wise quotes, EVERYDAY, like Practice what you Preach,” when you preach about what you have never practiced. You know those types. On there they seem so wise, but up close they’re anything but.

Goodbye, Sarah. I will not miss your negative posts, EVERYDAY, that could never be mended by the kindness of another’s comment. Even when I gave you the names of a few good shrinks, you just never took the time to contact them. Maybe, Sarah, you just like misery, like bringing others down. But, I won’t give it a thought anymore, since I have MANY, MANY, MANY other supposed “friends” that I have to rethink my connections with.

Goodbye, Marcus. Oh, Marcus, Marcus, Marcus. I will not miss your narcissistic comments at all. I have stopped caring, Marcus, about how wonderful and successful your company is that you make sure to remind us every, single, fricken day!! I wish you the best. And before I go, please make sure you listen to others and give them a chance to speak about their successes, instead of stealing their spotlight.

The same goes for you, Bill!! So long, my once interesting friend, who used to know when to listen, wait, then comment instead of posting, posting and ppsting about your ‘perfect’ life. It’s not jealousy; it’s being annoyed with information overload. So much, that you probably won’t even read this ‘farewell’. A tip to you: open a blog, write about your perfect life, and then write about tips for others to help them live a perfect life as well. Delete.

And Shelly! How I will miss your posts about your high scores in games. So many posts that it makes me wonder how many hours you are playing in any given day. I never understood what you wanted. Did you want me to congratulate you that it took you 3 years to reach a million coins, or did you want me to rescue you and refer you to an addict counselor? I don’t know! Delete.

And Eric. So long my friend that I never knew but connected with anyway because you asked me to ‘friend’ you when I first started using the social site. You have over 2000 friends, 3 of which you know, and the rest that you simply collect like baseball cards. Well this baseball card can’t be bought!! LOL. Delete.

Oh, and you, Jen. A girl that found me through another one of my ‘friends’ sites that I don’t even know. Even though my status shows ‘engaged’, you still emailed me that you wanted to quote, unquote “Hook up!” Thank you so much for asking, for it caused fights when my beautiful fiancé saw it and because I don’t know you, I didn’t think it was important to delete the message. I was wrong!! Since I don’t have you as a ‘friend’, I have DELETED the people who are friends with you that are ‘supposed’ friends with me. Yes, they are the casualties, but it was your ignorance, and… I guess your ‘spam’ that ruined our never-existed friendship. Delete.

And before I delete many others, I would like to personally say goodbye to you, Darrell. Every post you placed was nothing more than your affiliate links to other sites. I know that you want to make it rich as an affiliate, and every comment you made had that very, very long affiliate link that connected me to a cheap salespage for an ebook that once cost $199 but is on sale for only $47. What a deal!! LOL. But having you as a friend was like us hanging out and every time we hung out you tried to sell me cheap knives. No conversations, but just sales pitches. Delete.

What’s the moral to this subjective rant? Moderation. And there’s no room for narcissistic people moving into the social neighborhood.

Post something, wait for a comment, and that’s it. Don’t post on the same problem or blessing everyday and just reword it. Why? Because you are not the center of attention while the other 199 people are posting their troubles once. Oh, and please stop ‘liking’ your own posts. Oh, and stop swearing so much in your posts. People may have kids that might accidentally read it or see that naked picture you posted that you don’t normally post. Even without the kids, swearing too much has a negative sentiment to people. It just does. Moderation, please! Thoughtful comments, good.  Narcissistic comments, bad.



Patterns And The Deciding Hour Of Change

Love and hate forImage my job is just like a rose. It is. One day you look at the rose, get happy, see its beauty and then you go to sniff the rose when all of a sudden a swarm of bees comes out of the once-loved flower and attacks you. You run, the bees go away, and then you turn back to the rose and for some ungodly reason, you smile again at its beauty and go back to it. Why???? Maybe you think the bees are gone, but they’re not. Come on, you have to admit to yourself that they are there, waiting for your idiot butt to come up to the flower again.

The pattern of that needs to be broken. It’s like an abusive spouse. One week they hit you, and you think of a way to leave. And the next week they love you, and you say to yourself, “Well, it isn’t so bad.” And the next week you’re back to being the same punching bag again.” Over and over, and over. So you have to wonder who’s doing the punching and who’s doing the loving? Meaning, is God in the love or the fist, and is the devil in the fist or the trickery of love? What direction should I listen to? Confusing, right? Sometimes I think, “Well, maybe God’s just trying to teach me strength.” But after thousands of days of metaphoric steroid use, you have to stop and think, “Um, so I’m strong, so why the hell is this evil pattern still there?”

I know. It’s confusing, like smoking cigarettes!! Sure, they preach it’s bad for you, they raise the prices, but yet, they still sell it. It’s still legal? Make up your minds already. Who’s the addict here, you or me? I’m addicted to nicotine, and you’re addicted to money. Well, that’s not very nice. That’s a “pattern”.

It’s like these singers. They’re rich, famous, have everything, right? And they’re nice too. And then they write a song, and the lyrics say something like, “What you don’t have now, you don’t need it anyway.” Something like that. Umm, why the hell should I listen to you? And on top of it, why the hell am I buying your song when it says that? So, I’m giving you more money, only to hear you say that which you are not experiencing now! Huh? It’s like the devil preaching the importance of kindness. It’s like ‘right’ preaching how it knows how to be ‘left’. It’s like me trying to preach to you the meaning of life. I know it, but forces are preventing me from living it. With the singer, the music, lyrics sounds good, but the voice it’s coming from just doesn’t match the ‘need’ with the ‘fulfillment’.

With my job, the need is ‘money’ but the fulfillment of ‘happiness’ just isn’t there! It never was. I hoped it would be, maybe that’s why I’ve been there so many God-forsaken years. But it’s not. I think we are too afraid to admit that to ourselves. Just like that song example. It sounds great, but when we look closely, does it really make sense coming out of a singer who has everything? Hell no!!!

With cigarettes, does it really make sense to listen to the negative things coming from someone who used to smoke? Or some group of people that make money from the cigarettes? No.

LOL. Last week I was ready to have a nervous breakdown at work. I was. I think it’s so funny, because that’s the type of person I am. I love laughing, and I want to stay true to myself. I’m still doing the “I Am” trick, but sometimes I forget and have to remind myself. But, anyway, where the hell was I? Oh, nervous breakdown. So get this…

Talk about confusion. Right before my close encounter with the breakdown for which I have earned like a vacation, one of my trusted managers talked to me. It seems that the head boss that I hated –hate- has protected me this whole time. He respects, and likes me and every time some other manager tries to talk badly about me because of jealousy, or get me in trouble for something I didn’t do, the head boss sticks up for me and scolds them. Yes, I am a Harry Potter victim!!! How the hell can I hate him anymore now? How the hell can hate someone who makes your life a living hell, and at the same time, loves you? The battered spouse pattern tripled!!!

ImageWhy? Because now I understand why the rest of the bosses under him have worked me almost to death, and have been passive aggressive toward me. As my one, trusted boss told me after admitting this shocking news, he said, “They are jealous.” So now, I have to leave even more. You see, he can protect my job, but he can’t protect the way each of them treat me. That’s called ‘being a grownup.” Choices. Oh, yes, you must choose a road, and must understand that while choosing that new road, other things may be lost as well. Example.

While I was on the subject of singers, there was this famous, gifted singer that we all heard of. I won’t mention names, but he wrote the best songs. Why? Because he was drunk. A few years back, he made the ‘choice’ to break the alcoholic ‘pattern’ and become sober. He chose that road. Thank God. But the irony is, his music suffered. You see, when he was sober, he just couldn’t write good music anymore. He could only write good music when he was under the influence. His new road to happiness began, but on it he learned that other things would be lost. Did he choose correctly? YES!!!

When making a choice, the main thing you have to consider is and ask yourself is this. “With this new choice, will I live longer?” That’s it. If you live longer, the new days that would have normally been taken from you will hold new and wondrous choices that you CAN make. If you’re dead, you’re dead; you can’t make those new choices!!! Get it?

With my job from hell, the pattern that I’m working on breaking is this. If I stay, my life will get shorter due to stress. Others before me have died doing my job. LOL. Then why the hell did I take it? Because I thought I was stronger. But it’s not about strength. It’s about the pattern that my bosses have on how they treat a guy in my position. The battered spouse example. Or the flower with bees’ example.

You see, I think that’s why we are afraid sometimes to break patterns, choose a new road and walk down it. Because just like that famous singer, we are afraid of other things that will be lost along the way when we start walking down the new road. Bad things will be lost, and that’s what we want, right? But we fear that some good things will be lost too, and that’s what keeps us in the old pattern. Jobs are like drug dealers! LOL. They are. You’re ready to break the habit, cause you hate that place, and at the end of the year they give you your yearly raise! Now you’re making more money and each year that goes by, you make more and more and find it harder to leave because of financial peace of mind. Raises are like drugs if you hate your job and know in your heart it’s killing you. On the other hand, if you love what you do, then raises are a blessing. But if you love what you do, then I don’t why the hell you have read this far into this article! LOL.

ImagePaths that you don’t like, in life, are like a very, very long road that’s lined with buildings. Follow me with this. You walk on it for years, waiting for an intersection, an alley, a sidewalk that goes right or left, you have a map that was given to you when you were a kid, but the map just doesn’t fit this road you’re on. It’s like it lied to you. You pray for an opened door to one of these building-like statues, or a window, but nothing. So, what the hell do you do? Do you go back? NO, because you already walked a thousand miles! You get off the road, go to the sidewalk and look closely at the buildings. Then you discover they were only mirages created by tyrants to make you fear leaving their road. In reality, there were never really any buildings lining up the road. And then you open your eyes, look past the end of your nose -if you dare- and see that there are thousands upon thousands of paths, roads, intersection, and alleys right in front of your eyes that have been there the whole time. So then you have to decide whether to break that pattern of walking down that same, miserable street, or choose another….

Remember, don’t be afraid. Choosing another may mean losing your raises at work, kicking the habit of materialistic addictions, temporarily, but after the fog clears –and it will- you’ll look back and say, “Why the hell did I stay on the path for so long?”

With me, I’m slowly losing the fear of leaving. I’m starting to remember my passions again. Books. Literary agents. Writing for me. Believing in magic again. Remembering what it was like years ago, before I started working for my hellish job with Satan as the owner.

LOL. It’s funny when people say to me, those people who don’t work and preach that they would love to work, “You should feel blessed to have a job in this day and age.”

And I say to them, “Yes, and you should feel blessed that my hard earned money is helping your lazy butt continue to live without a job.” And for those who are honest and truly authentic while saying that, my answer to them is, “Yes, idiot, I am grateful, that’s why I’m still here. But nothing says I have to like working in hell!”  I mean it doesn’t make sense what some idiots’ say. It’s like telling a woman who’s being abused by her husband, “Well, honey, you should be grateful that he’s a good provider.” Say what??????????

ImageTo close this article, it reminds me of something that happened to me when I was a kid. You see, there was this small shopping center that they knocked down near my house. Everyday my parents would pass it with me in the car, and it would get smaller and smaller till the point where the center was gone, and all that was left was a few weeds. The removed the pile of debris but left the few weeds. Over time, the weeds grew bigger and bigger, forming trees and now, guess what? It has become a small forest!! A forest that began as weeds, overgrown grass. Why? Because it was allowed to grow. It didn’t have anyone there cutting it down to size, trimming it. No, it was left alone, and it grew as God interned it to grow. A few years back, the city had to put up signs around the forest saying ‘keep out’. That’s how big it grew. It reminds me of us, our choices, and our patterns in life. Whatever helps us grow, we should stick with. But whatever cuts us down to size, we should face and leave only to find a place in our lives where there’s no fear of being trimmed at our roots that we worked so hard to have.

What’s the moral here? Only your spirit knows whether you’re happy on your road or not. Listen to your feelings. And when you leave your road for another, it’s not that you gave up, it’s that you’ve changed your mind and are now pursuing a different direction. A direction where only positive metaphors exist. A direction where you can finally have the God-given chance to grow as you were intended to grow, and never have to worry about being cut down to size ever again. Hope comes in many shades. Just don’t be afraid to look past the end of your nose… You might be surprised to see how wondrous change could be. I’m starting to see it now. But that’s a whole other article.

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